i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
