All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
