I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
