so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
