I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
