Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
