My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
pop tarts are not kleenex
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
