I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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