my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
