just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
