I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Too much gin, very little bucket
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Are these your boobs on my camera?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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