burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
