You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
