I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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