Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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