We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
