She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
