this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
