You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
