i can't believe i had my finger in that
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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