I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
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