Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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