I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
