Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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