I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
