Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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