I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
