Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
birth control should be required to get into college
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
