she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
