is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
