ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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