The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
