meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
