just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
