bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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