Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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