I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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