Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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