I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
