I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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