If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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