I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
he puts the penis in happiness.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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