he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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