What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
