Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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