I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
