You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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