i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
MIDGETS
????
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
