The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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