First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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